I’m sitting on a bench in an empty room playing my guitar, when a silver-haired lady walks in and begins speaking to me.

EH: Hey, I recognize that song.
Me: Holy shit, are you Emmylou Harris?
EH: Yep. Scoot over and let me sit down. Keep playing. I like that song.
Me: I’m not really playing the song, just warming up.
EH: Play it.

I clumsily start to play.

EH: You’re not very good, are you? I don’t mean that to be insulting.
Me: I don’t see how that could not be insulting, but yeah, I suck.
EH: You should practice more.
Me: That’s what I was doing when you showed up.
EH: You said you were warming up.
Me: It’s all the same to me.
EH: That explains a lot.
Me: By the time I’m warmed up, I’m out of time to keep practicing.
EH: Life is full of opportunities. You can either take the time or make an excuse.
Me: Who said that?
EH: I did, just now.

Awkward silence followed by even more awkward guitar playing.

Me: Why do you play such big guitars? Those things are fucking huge.
EH: Hookers and blow, cowboy. Hookers and blow.
Me: Huh?
EH: Man, you really need to practice more. Give me that thing.

I hand her my guitar and Emmylou starts playing some amazing music.

Me: I’m not really a performer. I just write songs.
EH: Your limited skills must really hamper your ability to express yourself.
Me: Tell me about it. It’s like writing stories in an unknown language.
EH: Music is the universal language, pal.
Me: I must be from another galaxy.
EH: Either overcome weakness or turn them to your advantage.
Me: What, are you like some walking book of wisdom? Where do you come up with this shit?

She starts singing Return of the Grievous Angel.

EH: Sing harmony with me.
Me: I told you, I’m not a performer.
EH: Harmony is easy. Anyone can do it.
Me: That’s not true.
EH: No. It’s not.

She continues singing, harmonizing with herself, while playing the most amazing acoustic version of Grievous Angel I’ve ever heard.

Me: That’s incredible. Where’d you learn to do that?
EH: Eating chicken pot pies, drinking moonshine whiskey and breathing the cool mountain air.
Me: Somehow I doubt your sincerity.
EH: We’re all related spiritually, so what I know, at some level, you know as well. You just have to train your physical body to respond to spiritual promptings. It’s simple to understand and difficult to accomplish.
Me: And you learned that from eating chicken pot pie –
EH: Drinking moonshine whiskey and breathing the cool mountain air.
Me: Willie Nelson is a big believer in taking deep breaths.
EH: Who?

She begins playing Buck Owens’ Loves Gonna Live Here. The acoustic guitar has been replaced with a ‘52 Telecaster, and she’s wailing on the leads.

EH: I wrote this song in 1975.
Me: Buck Owens released that song in 1963.
EH: Oh.

She suddenly stops and then starts playing Phantom, Rocker and Slick’s No Regrets.

EH: You really should practice more. Your excuse sucks on par with your playing.
Me: Do they not teach manners where you’re from or are you making an exception for me?
EH: Dude, I don’t even know you and I can see right through you. You’re like glass.
Me: Huh?
EH: Transparent and easily shattered.
Me: Yeah, you don’t know me.

And then I woke up. Why Emmylou Harris? I have no idea. I enjoy her stuff but I’ve never been fanatical. What can I say? Dreams are weird.

I think my subconscious is telling me that I need to practice more often.

Doug Seven has a new, free video online. This one focuses on the right hand with several exercises to get your picking patterns down. Good stuff and free. You can’t ask for more than that.

I finally got around to cleaning up the country music playlist for my iPod. There were just too many songs I don’t want to hear and not enough that I do. Now I have 461 songs, which is 2.35Gb and will take 24 hours to hear. That’s not excessive. I still need to revisit Dwight’s stuff because I think I’m missing a few.

Yesterday I finally got around to checking out Hayes Carll’s latest album, Trouble in Mind. Holy hell. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was not expecting something this good. There’s not a bad song on the album. The lyrics for Girl Downtown are borderline genius. I smile every time I hear I Got a Gig and She Left Me for Jesus is hilarious. Wild as a Turkey and I Don’t Want to Grow Up are incredible.

If you’re like me and have been putting off checking out this album, don’t put it off for another minute. You’re missing some amazing stuff.

When I was in 1st grade, my parents decided that I needed to learn piano. I disagreed. I wanted to play guitar. But, they’re the parents so they won, and I found my young 6-year-old self sitting in front of a piano. However, making stringent use of my free will, I steadfastly refused to learn to read music. I’d come home from a lesson, break out my sheet music, and proceed to write down every note for every song I’d ever learn. Before each lesson, I’d erase the notes. After each lesson, I’d rewrite all the notes. It drove my instructor insane and, more often than not, he’d drive me to tears.

It was hell. Six years of hell.

During this hellish six years, I won several major piano competitions. Well, as major as any piano competition can be in West Texas. And all without understanding how to read music. I was a note-writing-and-erasing S.O.B..

During 6th grade, I was informed that once I entered 7th grade that I would be playing in the band. I could do sports if I wanted, but band was non-negotiable. I was also told that I could pick whatever instrument I wanted to play, so I immediately picked coronet and was immediately instructed to choose again. I toyed with the idea of picking flute or clarinet, just to see the look on my parents’ faces, but decided to short-circuit the entire process and chose drums. I figured, what the fuck, right? I mean, outside of bells, chimes and xylophone, I wouldn’t need to read music. And after six years of piano, I pretty much had rhythm nailed down.

And so began my real life in music. It was all drums and percussion, and I even managed to pull off the xylophone. Once I graduated high school, I played drums in the local community college jazz band. I sucked, but it was music. When I was in undergrad in college, I hooked up with some guys and continued drumming away. After graduation, I continued playing in churches and later in my first real country band. We played the shit out of the Panhandle circuit.

Then I quit, shipped the drums to storage, and proceeded to do anything other than music for about ten years.

And then I decided that I really needed to learn guitar. A few years ago, I’d purchased a Martin DX1, which had been sitting undisturbed in my bedroom since I’d bought it. I had also, inexplicably, begun collecting other music equipment, such as a microphone, a Novation X-Station 49, Logic Pro 6 and a few other odds and ends. I wasn’t actually playing anything. I was simply collecting all the necessary ingredients to record … should I ever decide to actually put pen to paper.

And then I decided to start guitar lessons. I was finally putting my Martin to good use. Shortly after, I decided to throw down the gauntlet and bought a Telecaster Highway One. Then I called Luke and we started setting aside times every week to jam. Then came the Bad Monkey, Boss RC-2, Turbo Tuner, and the sudden realization that I can’t read music.

Enter Mel Bay® Modern Guitar Method Grade 1, which is a decent starter book, although much of what I already know is covered. I was learning to read music, but slowly. Skipping past what I know, then working my way backward when I realized I’d skipped too far was slowing me down.

And then I found Learn and Master Guitar and my world changed.

Yeah, it’s expensive. Yeah, it takes a long time to work through. Yeah … did I mention it’s expensive? $200, give or take, but you can spread it over 4 payments. That’s a damned good deal.

And it’s awesome. 20 DVDs, 10 play-along CDs and a great workbook. When it arrived, I immediately began paging though the workbook and quickly found located where I needed to start. And I’ve been working my way through the book ever since. The lessons are incredible and easy to understand. The materials are extremely straightforward. And they provide access to an awesome web forum where you can interact with other people who are going through or have completed the course. But most importantly, I’m learning to read music.

I really can’t emphasize it enough. This is an awesome course. It’s really everything they claim it to be. Check it out. Try it. They have a 30-day money-back guarantee, so you really don’t have anything to lose.

I’m loving it.